I have to apologize.

I have to apologize.

You see, I’ve been holding back.

I was looking at my writing last night, and I realized,

This is a tamed down, domesticated version of me.

This is what I would write if I wanted to fit in.

This is what I would write if I wanted to appeal to “normal” women.

This is what I would write if I wanted to play safe. 

But, the tribe of women (and men!) in our community is spectacular. I’ve met you. You are amazing. You will never give up. And I know deep down to the core of my bones that the only way for all of us to move forward is to feel completely, 100% safe being ourselves in the world.

We need to be vulnerable.

We need to be open.

We need to be authentic.

We need to be ourselves.

So, in the spirit of honesty, my life isn’t white space and helvetica. I don’t exhale rainbows, and I don’t spend everyday pondering metaphysical truths drinking rooibos with raw honey. 

Here is the truth:

I am so absolutely committed to you that I will do almost anything to make y/our world a better place. 

I spend most of my days considering how I can build my skills so I can be of better service. To you. 

I hear, feel, and see far more than I make public. Energy, beings, magic. It is all in my everyday existence, whether I'm riding BART or talking with a friend. Sometimes I can turn it off, and sometimes I can't. I've had to learned to recognize this as a gift, not a burden.

Sometimes, I feel like my human body isn’t adequate enough to be able to serve as many people as I'm called to serve. Therefore, I drink raw milk, take fermented cod liver oil, eat as many vegetables as I can get my hands on, and am probably more Chinese herb than human. 

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of people confessing their deepest truths to me, and knowing that I’ve become a sacred vessel for alchemizing dreams. I breathe through it, and say thank you as much as I can for being called to do this work. 

(Note: I almost deleted the last item, but I’m keeping it. Honesty.)

Often, my clients bring me problems, and I’ve only recently worked through something similar or am working through the same thing at the same time. Opening Awake Woman has accelerated my spiritual path to lightening speed. And I love it. 

I’m constantly feeling out whether what I’m creating is a reflection of ego or my soul. If it feels like ego, I throw it in the metaphorical trash. Sometimes I don’t know, and then I’ll throw it in the trash. I know what my soul feels like, and she doesn’t feel like indifference. 

I truly feel like I’ve found my life’s work, and couldn’t imagine doing anything else. 

And one more confession:

It feels really good to write like this, uncensored. Real. 

In that spirit, I’d love to hear from you. 

Where do you feel like you’re holding yourself back? 

Where do you feel like the woman you show to the world is inconsistent with your deepest heart? 

Often this is subtler than we realize. It can show up in our creative projects, our clothing choices, our word choices, our relationships, our body language. But when you find quiet space to be with yourself and feel into the deepest recesses of your heart, you can identify where in the world you are holding yourself back.

Often times this involves confronting our shadows and having difficult conversations. 

But I know you.

And you can do it. 

Journal. Talk. Sit. Meditate. Run. Dance. Play. 

Do what you need to do to find your edge, and move beyond it. 

When one woman rises, we all rise together.